Pet Sematary: Bloodlinesuses the line, “Sometimes, dead is better.” three times. It’s one of the first bits of dialogue spoken in the opening narration, then a character says it during an action scene, and it’s the penultimate sentence before the credits. That bit of dialogue, made famous by Fred Gwynne in the original 1989 film, is a microcosm of the project. It’s a sad, lazy attempt to capitalize on love for a franchise that should have stayed buried.
Stephen KingwrotePet Semataryin the early 1980s. He put it out the year after the firstDark Towerbook and the same year asChristine. It’s an odd duck amongthe prolific author’s bibliography. It’s his fifth-best-selling novel after classics likeItandThe Shining. It’s more famous for its iconography and its premise than its story. The original book holds up well enough, but this reliance on ideas over execution has doomed every adaptation.
The first adaptation ofPet Semataryandits 2019 remake sharemore than source material. Critics hate them, but audiences love them, guaranteeing a strange reputation and millions of dollars in pure profit. In that spirit, producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura, best known for producing theTransformersmovies, green-lit a prequel two years after the remake hit theaters. Directors Kevin Kölsch and Denis Widmyer stepped away immediately, leaving only di Bonaventura and screenwriter Jeff Buhler behind. Buhler’s best work is probably the gleefully bizarreMidnight Meat Trainfrom 15 years ago. Since then, he’s slapped his name on awful remakes likeJacob’s Ladder(2019) andThe Grudge(2020). Lindsey Anderson Beer steps in as co-writer and director. It’s her directorial debut, and her inexperience shows in every scene. One of the strangest elements of the film is itsplace on Paramount Plus. The franchise is known for box office success regardless of quality. Perhaps the studio’s faith was limited.
Pet Sematary: Bloodlinestells the story of Jud Crandall, usually depicted as the elderly local who warns newcomers about the titular burial ground. The year is 1969, and Jud is a strapping young man preparing to leave Ludlow, Maine. The town has a way of suffocating its residents, trapping themsometimes beyond the grave. Jud has miraculously avoided the draft but plans to join the Peace Core with his girlfriend. His local friends talk about leaving or disappear to Vietnam. When one of his old pals returns, he’s a changed man. As Jud tries to leave, he strikes a dog with his car. The animal is unharmed, prompting him to lead it home. The dog wounds his girlfriend, keeping Jud in Ludlow while she recovers. Jud uncovers the nightmarish secret of the town’s founding and the ancient evil that lives beneath it.
There are no new ideas inPet Sematary: Bloodlines. All of its ground has been well-trodden. It’s all been done before, not just in otherPet Sematarymovies but across the horror genre. There’s a germ of an engaging idea in the lengths to which the local parents will go to hide the town’s dark secrets, but it’s swiftly abandoned. Once the stakes are established, the reanimated corpses start attacking, and it settles intoa bog-standard zombie movie. The action is awful, frequently falling closer toScary Moviethan anything particularly threatening. Even the gore fails to draw a reaction. It’s not an issue of quantity, as there’s enough blood to fill the otherwise uneventful set pieces. Gore seems to be the only goal, but it’s unwilling to go gross enough to shock. There’s nothing special inBloodlines’story, letting the sloppy, amateurish execution stand out.
It’s the little things that make a horror film worthwhile. For example,Pet Sematary: Bloodlineshas some of the worst sound design in a modern feature film. Its splatters, squelches, and snaps sound likethey belong inSplatterhouse. The effects aren’t anything to write home about. Much of the film takes place in pitch-black darkness with no justifiable light source, so the cinematographer, Benjamin Kirk Nielsen, lets scenes be visually unintelligible. Theoretically, the idea behindBloodlineswould be to broaden the 2019 remake’s universe into something that could be marketably franchised. This film doesn’t evenaccomplish that dubious goal. It’s a lot of terrible sound and mild fury, signifying nothing, even from the most boring perspective.
At the risk of repeating the sentiments of every other critic,Pet Sematary: Bloodlinesshould take its own advice. Sometimes, dead is better. Its characters are soulless, thoughtless bodies to be slaughtered. Its scares are toothless and dull. Its story is unoriginal and boring. Even by the staggeringly low standards one mustapply toPet Sematarymovies,Bloodlinesis a complete waste of time and energy. Here’s hoping the talents involved can find a way to dig up their reputation. It’s time to bury the franchise in any other cemetery.
Pet Sematary: Bloodlines
Jud Crandall struggles to leave Ludlow, Maine before its dark secrets consume him in this prequel to the 2019 remake of Stephen King’s classic.
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